the second day

a hand reaching upward, lit from the right on an open palm, against a dark background

my hands are small I know

TOPICAL: this is part of The Cycle of the Seasons series

The wind out of the west today was so, so cold. My glasses fogged up and then the condensation froze, so I had to try and see around them. It was probably pretty comical for anyone that may have noticed me out there. Thankfully, I didn’t have to be out for very long, and our trees shelter us from a lot of the strongest winds.

We always have a difficult time during this period of days. It is so hard to reach for light when there is so much dark. It can feel ludicrous to find small joyful things to do when the black dog of depression often feels so close by when the days are this short.

But this year it’s different somehow. There’s more light. There’s more warmth, not least because we all got our own hot water bottle as one of our Yule gifts, and let me tell you, my toes were very happy with it after I got in from outdoors.

There is a song I want to share with you. Because the words mean something deep to me, and because the song itself is lovely and simple and comforting.

If I could tell the world just one thing, it would be that we’re all okay

And not to worry ‘cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these

I will not be made useless

I won’t be idled by despair

I will gather myself around my faith, for light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know

But they’re not yours, they are my own; they’re not yours, they are my own

And I am never broken

from “Hands” by Jewel, from way back in 1998

I think my favorite thing right now to ponder is the sovereignty implied in those simple words: I will not be made useless. I won’t be idled by despair. I am never broken. Shit may happen, lights may dim, snow may fall, cold may creep in; but I do not have to remain in despair or brokenness. Darkness is no friend to the light. And the more we build our fire, the bigger and brighter it is.

May your light shine out the brighter.

— Nix

Our days traditionally begin at sunset. The darkness is all around us but we are safe here together inside these walls that we have fortified with love and with sacrifice.

featured image is a photo by Akira Hojo on Unsplash

Nix Kelley
Co-parent to multiple kids. Writer. Death doula. Member of the Order of the Good Death. Seeker on the Path of Light. Queer, non-binary, & trans.


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