fall on me

Sooner or later the lights up above
Will come down in circles and guide me to love
I don’t know what’s right for me
I cannot see straight
I’ve been here too long and I don’t wanna wait for it

Fly like a cannonball straight to my soul
Tear me to pieces and make me feel whole
I’m willing to fight for it
To feel something new
To know what it’s like to be sharing a space with you

Fall on me
With open arms
Fall on me
From where you are
Fall on me
With all your light

lyiric selection from Fall on Me, performed by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera

After my very old-man chair nap this evening, I had the thought that it’s getting to be about time to start doing the Work again, the Work that is for me to do, within the framework of the business that I set down in March and haven’t picked up since; and to change that framework so that it fits what’s needed right now.

It might be that this is a fleeting idea, one that will be forgotten later. It may be a passing thought caused by my bone-deep need to be of service, even though I’ve been running on empty for a long time and am only just beginning to have days that don’t feel completely hopeless.

But since taking a death doula class, and feeling that the light is about to feel dimmer out there since the darkness is gathering itself to spread out and blot it out, I have a weirdly strong belief that there will be ways that we can get through this. They might not be perfect, they might not be what we wanted or planned for, and they might hurt a lot. But there are ways. And if I can stand and hold a candle in the darkness, shielding it from the wind and rain and the dark, for you because you matter — even if it is only for you — then I will.

Hope in the dark might be the only thing I can try to provide. I’ll fall down and I’ll still have days where everything seems desperately awful, but the Light burns within me and I will share it where I can.

Nix Kelley
Co-parent to multiple kids. Writer. Death doula. Member of the Order of the Good Death. Seeker on the Path of Light. Queer, non-binary, & trans.


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