I have had two three heat-related chronic illness flares in the past week. And it’s very difficult to explain what those are like, but I tried anyway.
it’s hot, I think
I can walk through the sunshine it’ll be
fine this time,
just a short walk
and I have my hat on
so long as I don’t need to
do anything else for
a while
I forgot to wear
my UV jacket with
the long sleeves,
it’s hanging up by my camper door
and I forgot anyway
it’ll be fine? I’m
fine I think
I sit at my desk
and my insides feel kind of
like I am about to
fold up in half, across
a pocket of weak dizzy
adrenaline-spiky orange swirly
energy that’s
how I know I
flew too close to the sun
I have to go outside again
this time with my umbrella,
fuck it’s hotter out than a
little while ago,
I’m pretending I can walk in a straight
line, I am not going to
fall over it’s
probably fine? I’m
fine I think
back inside and the spiky
worry swirl of weakness is
spreading a little, dammit,
it was less than three minutes I think
I need to go to the toilet
there is a hot rectangle shape of
heat across
my forehead and this
is when I start to fall because
my heart rate is
dropping, so of course my
legs can’t support
whatever is
happening, I’m
fine I think I’m not fine, I
have to sit down
why
are my words,,, so
unable
I am breathing too
fast but
tired I can’t
say anything
sleep,. rest, the cold
floor like
it’s how the floor holds
you when you”re
sick, am
I sick/? right, yes
just
breathing, not die just right now
how silly
crying? why what is the
ppoint what does
this do maybe its a crash or
why can”t I think
I forgot
I forgot to take a rescue med
where is my water bottle?
it’s not that hot,,, I’m
probably fine now, I’m
not fine it’s okay don’t worry about me
sorry sorry please don’t worry but also
help, I feel
sick and stupid and
I am trapped in my own head
and my own body
it’s too
hot today
featured images is a photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash
