to sleep, perchance to try really hard to sleep

TOPICAL: this is part of The Cycle of the Seasons series

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I am writing this as our toddler tries very hard to fall asleep. Some nights he’s out like a light, and other nights, like this one, he almost falls asleep, eyes drooping further and further, and then he snaps out of it. I know he isn’t doing it on purpose. He’s using all his self-soothing bedtime things; the egg-shaped nightlight, the favorite blankies, the pillow nest, the way he smooths his fingers on the best corner of the best blankie, the way the fingers on the other hand rub against each other gently.

We have taken to sitting by his bed until he’s able to fall asleep, because that seems to be the best thing for everyone. On nights like these, my body doesn’t manage two hours of sitting very well. I had to get up for the bathroom and he was SO upset, and then before I got back out of the bathroom, he was back in bed and trying again to sleep. I’m going to leave him alone for now and just watch the baby cam to see how he’s doing. His door is directly next to mine, so when he is upset, I will hear it even if I don’t see it.

Today was a little trickier all around. It was my dinner turn and I let myself get really agitated about a spice I couldn’t locate because I was convinced that the picadillo would not taste good at all without it. After I realized how this feeling was affecting everything else, I concentrated on letting go of the anxiety, letting the day be what it was, letting myself be concerned while also trusting myself to cook a good dinner even if my favorite spice (it’s cumin) would be missing.

Hope and the willingness to let the day roll over you is a discipline, which means that sometimes it is VERY HARD and you have to practice interrupting your own anxiety spirals in order to notice why your day is sideways.

He’s not sleeping yet. I have the baby cam up on my phone, zoomed in to his little face and slow-blinking eyes. He will sleep eventually. Tomorrow is a new day.

May hope find you in unexpected places.

— Nix

P.S. We found the cumin, after I’d relaxed into the acceptance that we didn’t have it. Sometimes these things are so on the nose.

P.P.S. I THINK HE’S SLEEPING.

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Our days traditionally begin at sunset. The darkness is all around us but we are safe here together inside these walls that we have fortified with love and with sacrifice.

featured image is a photo by S L on Unsplash

my hands are small I know

TOPICAL: this is part of The Cycle of the Seasons series

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The wind out of the west today was so, so cold. My glasses fogged up and then the condensation froze, so I had to try and see around them. It was probably pretty comical for anyone that may have noticed me out there. Thankfully, I didn’t have to be out for very long, and our trees shelter us from a lot of the strongest winds.

We always have a difficult time during this period of days. It is so hard to reach for light when there is so much dark. It can feel ludicrous to find small joyful things to do when the black dog of depression often feels so close by when the days are this short.

But this year it’s different somehow. There’s more light. There’s more warmth, not least because we all got our own hot water bottle as one of our Yule gifts, and let me tell you, my toes were very happy with it after I got in from outdoors.

There is a song I want to share with you. Because the words mean something deep to me, and because the song itself is lovely and simple and comforting.

If I could tell the world just one thing, it would be that we’re all okay

And not to worry ‘cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these

I will not be made useless

I won’t be idled by despair

I will gather myself around my faith, for light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know

But they’re not yours, they are my own; they’re not yours, they are my own

And I am never broken

from “Hands” by Jewel, from way back in 1998

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I think my favorite thing right now to ponder is the sovereignty implied in those simple words: I will not be made useless. I won’t be idled by despair. I am never broken. Shit may happen, lights may dim, snow may fall, cold may creep in; but I do not have to remain in despair or brokenness. Darkness is no friend to the light. And the more we build our fire, the bigger and brighter it is.

May your light shine out the brighter.

— Nix

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Our days traditionally begin at sunset. The darkness is all around us but we are safe here together inside these walls that we have fortified with love and with sacrifice.

featured image is a photo by Akira Hojo on Unsplash

heave ho

TOPICAL: this is part of The Cycle of the Seasons series

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Today’s efforts tasted like seasoned mac & cheese dinner, with garlic bread.

Today’s small joys included a snuggle with a post-nap toddler who came to my room specifically for that cuddle.

Today’s failures were the small mistakes, the ones we say or act without forethought. Today’s anxiety kept us from perfection, but it always does that.

The dark moon will arrive soon. Tonight it will snow and snow, and tomorrow we may have to dig ourselves out. Holiday gifts might be arriving in the mail, or they may be delayed by the weather. I wish there was a way to note that if the weather is bad, to please delay shipping my order; I don’t want to lose people to capitalism, even when I don’t know who they are.

Tonight is for rest, for playing Stardew Valley, for having a Guinness, for the satisfaction of checking boxes off the day’s over-arching task list. I love project management and I fear it because it leads me into some of my own worst mistakes, the kind I don’t see coming. I’m not omnipotent but a good project management system and plenty of data sure do make me feel like I might be.

Tomorrow is a new day, a new page, a space for new choices.

May your rest tonight be sweet.

— Nix

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Our days traditionally begin at sunset. The darkness is all around us but we are safe here together inside these walls that we have fortified with love and with sacrifice.

featured image is a photo by Jackson Hendry on Unsplash