my moments with you
seem so few and far between,
crystallized by memory
into precious stones to keep and hold,
and I will never forget them.
I could never forget you.
when this lifetime’s memory fades
there will still be a hearthfire in me,
warm and eternal —
it doesn’t matter if I remember why.
we built it together
and it will burn in me forever.
whatever eldest ancestor can give me,
let it be this.
you are and always have been
a light in my darkness.
if the journey was long,
if our hearts were breaking,
if love was all that’s left,
it is enough for me.
if you were ever my burden,
it’s because I wanted to carry you.
whatever promises I could have made,
I made them to you,
or beside you,
or with you nearby.
shadows will never be as lonely.
hope will always be closer.
grief will always remind me of love.
joy will sometimes look like you —
fire to my fire,
wisdom in my wondering,
guidance in my wandering,
laughter in my laughter,
strength in my bravery,
compassion in my pain,
peace in my quiet,
memory in my myth.
you changed my forever
into something more beautiful.
something more complete.
an existence more made of promises fulfilled.
a cosmos no longer cold.
uncertainty no longer terrifying.
fear no longer paralyzing.
assurance of rest to come.
I have made a handful of true choices
that changed me fundamentally,
no looking back and no regrets.
may I never speak untruth.
choosing you was never wrong.
whether or no,
you’re stuck with me forever.
this is the gift you gave me:
I am never alone.
this is the gift we created out of who we are:
together we are never alone.
I won’t tell you who this was written for, although it’s possible you might guess. The one I wrote it for knows and that makes the upwelling of my need to speak and the tears that fell on my lap more than worth it. Sometimes there is pain layered into love but that does not make it any less true.
xox, beloved —
Nix
epilogue:
I long to feel my heart burned open wide
‘Til nothing else remains
Except the fires from which I came
Like parted souls, divided for an age
Awe and wonder, I’d embrace
And the world anew again
But now, this picture from me fades
From still’s cold hand, there’s no reprieve
Light the fire in me
Shine, shine your light on me
Illuminate me, make me complete
Lay me down and wash this world from me
Open the skies and burn it all away
‘Cause I’ve been waiting
All my life, just waiting
For you to shine, shine your light on me
I dreamed the world with my eyes open
But time moved on and then
New worlds begin again
Oh my heart, in this universe so vast
No moment was made to last
So light the fire in me
Shine, shine your light on me
Illuminate me, make me complete
Please shine, shine your light on me
No hesitation, make me complete
Lay me down and wash this world from me
Open the skies and burn it all away
‘Cause I’ve been waiting
All my life, just waiting
For you to shine, shine your light on me
— selection of lyrics from Nova, by VNV Nation
featured photo by Aldebaran S on Unsplash
